


Smiths Angst

by JohnxHelen



Series: Pray to Whatever is In Heaven (please send me a felon) [1]
Category: The Man in the High Castle (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Sequel Coming Soon, implied sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-02
Updated: 2017-09-02
Packaged: 2018-12-22 17:29:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,149
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11972196
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JohnxHelen/pseuds/JohnxHelen
Summary: ANGST (and a sequel will come soon.) This kind of sets up things..and poor Joe is going to get it in the sequel.





	Smiths Angst

Helen Smith thought that all of her thoughts of John would die when she kicked him out of their house. He broke a promise to her and failed. She should have forgotten him. But the people around him always kept him at the forefront of her mind.  
She found herself, almost daily, swamped from questions by the remaining ladies of Garden Club, (Lucy had unfortunately been killed and all that was left of her remains was her ring.) They wanted to know where he was, confirming the fact that they had a crush on him. She would answer their inquires with the statement, "He's in Berlin." 

But what made her call Erich Raeder to see where the Obergruppenfuher was staying were the twins. And, unlike the Garden Club, no explanation could satisfy them. Smart kids, she would think sarcastically as she tried to go to sleep, only to wake up in a puddle of sweat from nightmares of her in a gas chamber. She wished for his arms around her, telling her it was only a dream, that it would never happen here. 

She arrived at the apartment with a spare key, given by the doorman with a promise to never come back. As she opened the door, two bloodshot eyes peeled out. "Helen?" a rough voice said.

"John?" she asked in concern. "What happened?" "I'm trying to forget." he said. "Everything." "Can I come in?" she asked, tying to forget his last statement. 

He stepped to the side to let her in. It was covered in filth, one of the buckets being used as a bathroom. The table near the bucket had photo albums on them. 

She walked in and looked at him in the light. He looked worse. But he smiled. "Are you going to stay?" he asked. She looked at him. She just wanted to visit him and leave, but his pleading eyes drew him in. 

She sat down a close distance away from me. "I can't show you the pictures of us if you're sitting away from me." She almost wanted to walk out, but decided to move slightly closer. He was worse than she thought.

Eventually, he turned to the page that held pictures of his brother and almost cried. She remembered it as the one who he showed to her a few weeks ago, even though it seemed as if it was in a former life. "Edmund, we..made sure that his last days were perfect. We made all of his favorite foods and tried to include him into his favorite games outside. I tried to get him to whistle.." He broke into tears. 

Her hand rested on his in a loose grip. She knew how much her brothers death affected him. She realizes that all he did was to try to protect Thomas, but he, for "the glory of the Reich", turned himself in. It wasn't John's fault. After all, she had a part in the matter, by lying to the husband she had promised to never lie to. "I forgive you and I'm sorry.." she felt her own tears trail through her makeup. 

John put down the photo album and held her through as she sobbed, letting out all of her carefully guarded emotions. He held her close, wanting to kiss her but not wanting to. She had told him to never touch her again when he was kicked out. He was about to let her go when she said, with a slight squeeze of her hand on his, "I never meant to say that. And, someone did see Thomas's..episode at the church." She spat out Juliana Crains name. A moment of shocked silence settled between them.

He said finally, "Why didn't you tell me?" "I told her not to tell anyone." she replied. "I thought it had settled the problem." The bitch must have told, she thought. She tried to block the memory of not seeing her firstborn child in his room, the one that had gotten her through the dark days after D.C. but it showed on her face. 

"And I'm sorry for having children, for even wanting them.." Helen continued, now with more tears, hoping for his arms to caress her, to tell her that everything would be fine, that he could figure it out. He didn't, just looked at her and hoping that she would do the same. He regretted it himself but could never bring himself to say it to her. 

"Come-on Johnny," she muttered in a tone that she knew he could hear. He knew what she wanted and moved closer to her to hold her close. She sighed, letting all if her anxieties go in his arms. That was the only place that she felt safe. "Never regret that." he murmured, and kissed her ear, making her feel warm. "Never think of that Helen ." She felt her mind melt into bliss, giving a dazed grin. I'm thinking we might have another kid." he said suddenly.

She snapped out of her dazed look. "Why? Not from you, right?" She knew that if they were to have one from her husband, their child could have a defect. How could they prevent it? He answered the question for her"Joe Blake." he said, moving down to her neck. Joe? Did what happen on V-A day get too personal? "He's Lebensborn. It would work perfectly, Helen."  
She thought of something very devious then: Joe being tied up as she filled herself up with his semen to have their child. . I know he's been such a naughty person to you," she cooed, "So this would be perfect. And, we can make him submit to your dirty mind because of what he's done to you before handing him over to that Juliana girl .  
I know we've fucked up with Thomas." she continued just to put her feelings out there and to attempt to assuage his fears. We need to respect that we messed up. We both know that. We should have still taken him to South America. But, we need to move on. We need to have a future, John, even if we fucked up in the past." 

A moment of comfortable silence ended when John started to move his hands up her dress. "Can't wait, can you?" she asked. "No. And it looks like you can't either." he replied. She was about to push him down on the couch and have her way with him when he said, "I do have a bed." He picked her up and started to take her into bed while holding her hand. At the entrance to the bedroom, he said, "I love you." "I to." she replied, "And I'm sorry." she added. 

"Don't be." he murmured. She smiled. "Oh, John..". He kissed her passionately and took his wife over the threshold to the bedroom, as he had done at their wedding.


End file.
